Some of you know some of my history. My father took off when I was small. He was absent for almost all of my childhood and all of my adolescence. My mother moved us back in with her parents when I was five and we lived there until my mom met her second husband a few years later. He beat her. In front of me. He broke her collarbone. He locked me in the basement to finish my homework. He made me stay on my bed for hours at a time because I made too much noise in the house for him to practice his golf in the basement. Their relationship lasted less than a year. I remember very little.
My mother's relationship with my Nannie was nothing less than horrific. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I was an adult. There's no easy way to say this except...my Nannie was seriously, abysmally abusive to my mother. This is a very hard thing to come to terms with. I loved my Nannie so much. She was a difficult woman and really messed up in the head, but she was the nicest person in my day to day life and I actually feel that she loved me.
As a result of my father's assholery and infidelity, my Nannie's abuse and nastiness, and my Pa's passiveness, my mother was broken. I can see that as an adult. And I can see how difficult it must have been for her to be saddled with some asshole's kid at 21. She did her best to provide for me. But, man...did she begin to detest me. When I pissed her off, she'd stop talking to me, sometimes for days. She would get rageful and cruel. She would physically attack me on occasion. My Pa had to pull her off of me more than once. It was bad enough at one point that the school called CPS--though it never went anywhere. I found that out as an adult. I cannot remember a single nice thing that she ever said about me as a kid. Not one single thing. The first nice thing she ever said to me was when Miss B was born. She told me that I'd been through the wringer and she was proud of me. I almost couldn't believe it. I don't think I was a bad kid. I really don't. Maybe I was annoying. Maybe any parent would have been as disgusted by me. I'd like to think it wasn't true, but I don't know.
At 14, my mother remarried and we moved to Washington state from NY. It was a huge adjustment. I didn't do very well. They pushed me ahead a grade because of my test scores, so I was this weird, homesick, little girl with a New York accent whose mother wouldn't buy her new clothes because she was "fat" (I won't go into the neglect of my health right now). People didn't like me very much. I no longer had the buffer that was my Nannie. I had no allies or anyone to care for me. And my mother suddenly found herself pregnant with my brother. Two years later, she had Becky...who was born terminally ill with Trisomy 18. In short...my childhood was occasionally wonderful with long spurts of horrible misery. I stayed at home until I was 23 so that I could look out for my little brother who I loved to pieces.
My relationship with her has never really gotten any better. I thought it was all my fault until I went away to school (late in life, like everything I do). I suddenly got to see what a normal mother/daughter relationship looked like. For instance, despite many open ended invitations, I was 40 before my mother ever came to visit. It was only because I had Miss B that she had any interest in me at all. And that brings me to part of my recent issues.
Since Miss B, grandparents have been popping out of the woodwork to be part of her life. I sort of inadvertently cut my father out, because despite not developing a relationship with me until I was in my 20's, he suddenly wanted to come visit and stay in my house. Um...nope. It is painful for me to be around him even for a few hours. I don't even know how to start to address that with him, so he's gone. I've lost a very close relationship with another family member (I won't go into that one because I still hold that relationship dear). My brother is gone intermittently because he's a recovering heroin addict (who I tried to help, but he used in my house with my then 2 year old daughter nearby). I lost my Nannie almost 2 years ago.
And my relationship with my mother went completely sideways 3 years ago. To keep this shorter, (ha, Carrie, ha) she came for a visit. She was weird and angry the whole visit. She spent 2 hours drunkenly screaming at me the night before she left (which she doesn't remember) and then left in the morning without saying goodbye. Two days later she sent a snarky, nasty text about something that she deliberately misunderstood (Because that's what she does to me. She thinks I'm selfish, lazy, and disrespectful and interprets everything through this lense.) I responded saying "I think we need to take a break from each other for a little while." She then turned "a little while" into 2+ years by ignoring all of my texts with photos and videos of Miss B. She wanted an apology and I, uncharacteristically, wouldn't give her one.
A year ago, my brother managed to get us to facetime so that Miss B could see her grandmother. They've been facetiming regularly since. Now she wants to come visit. She called me last week and said that they would meet us somewhere. But, then she said that she didn't want me to bring K. I asked her why. She refused to answer. That made me very uncomfortable. I knew I couldn't talk to her about this on the phone without her exploding, so I sent her this email:
"I'm writing this letter rather than calling because I get flustered and overwhelmed when we talk. You have a large personality and I get lost in it. I needed to address this directly.
I'm honestly very confused by your request not to bring K. Since you said you'd rather not start anything by talking to me about it, I have to assume that you have a problem with him. Am I wrong about that? If so, this makes me very uneasy. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel bringing Miss B to see you when I'd have to insult my husband to do it. Would you feel comfortable if Tom's mom had asked to see G or B, but asked him not to bring you? I'm just not comfortable with it. K is my husband and Miss B's father...we need to be a package deal otherwise our family bonds will start to break down.
Since the whole thing is now very uncomfortable, I think we should postpone our meeting. If we see each other under these circumstances, I think it will be weird and not conducive to building a relationship between you and I, or you and Miss B. I'm sorry if this ruins your vacation plans. I really am. I just don't know what else to do. I would like to continue building a relationship between you and Miss B. I hope we can figure out a less stressful way of doing that in the near future.
I realize that tone is lost in emails. I am not trying to be disrespectful or hurtful. I hope that you can see where I'm coming from. I don't want to lose the progress that we've made, but I really do feel weird about this."
I then became super crazy ill with a stomach virus and 103 degree fever for two days. After not hearing from me for a couple of days, she sent me the texts below (my responses are in blue). She has yet to write me back, and I don't think she means to.
Should I just let her go? Why do I find it so hard? I love her. I really do. And I feel for her. I know she's had a rough life. I don't think she means to be the way she is. She's just so angry. And, she really detests me. And I don't understand why. I really don't. Because I love her. I know I should let her go. I'm completely terrified of her. She tears me up inside...but I can't. I feel so bad for her.
And here's the crux of the matter. I don't have much family left. I need a new one. I need allies. I need to know that I'm not a detestable human being who is incapable of inspiring love in even their own parents. Because...friends...the last few years have been the hardest of my life. I'm sad, fragile, vulnerable, and tired. I've written posts hinting at what's going on but I've never come straight out and said that I'm having trouble. So many twisted things have happened in the last 5-10 years, I can't go into them all. But, my health, my family, and life in general have really dragged me down. I do have a much, much, loved husband and daughter, a wonderful stepmother, siblings who I love even if they aren't part of my life, and the bestest best friend in the whole universe. But, I need more. I've shared a small outline of my life in the hopes that you can see where my unsteadiness, general weirdness, and lack of communication has come from. Maybe you'll read this and think that I'm crazy. If you do, feel free to unfriend me, or tell me, or whatever. But, maybe you'll see that I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given. And...maybe you'll drop me a line and try to reconnect. Or share your hopes and your miseries with me. Or your opinions about my issues. Or just say hi. I have so much trouble being brave, but I'm trying to be. So, I'm putting myself out there. This is who I am...
